For the June/July issue of Esquire, actress Olivia Munn tells all. Well, not exactly. She’s exaggerates a bit about her life’s story – like where she’s from and how Barak Obama is her brother – All while met with a photo shoot of her in a bikini.
Check out some photos and the interview after the jump.
By David Curcurito
Published in the June/July 2013 issue
Meryl Streep has never once taken a shot of hot sauce or eaten a hot dog on a string while riding on some dude’s back, but Olivia Munn has, while exuding a world-class fuck-me, fuck-you attitude and still managing to be cheerful, all of which qualifies her as the greatest actress of our time. But I worry about her. Now that she’s a serious actress on HBO’s The Newsroom(season two begins on July 14), will she still burp on cue or jump into a giant chocolate pie dressed as a French maid? Or will her humanitarian work leave her no time for all the sophomoric shit that makes my life worth living?
I had to go find out.
I asked Team Munn, the thirty or so people she now probably has controlling her every move, to have her pick me up on her motorcycle. I heard the thirty-two-year-old rides a bike. Nope, she’s not picking me up. Team Munn suggested we have some tea in a quiet corner of a hotel restaurant. Tea in a quiet corner of a restaurant? What the hell is this, Downton Abbey? Oh, yeah, sure, tea sounds great. I’ll be the gimp butler. They, whoever they are, have snatched poor Olivia Munn, and that smart, beautiful, funny woman is now lost to us, and I’m the asshole here for the tea ceremony to consecrate her as too serious to be funny anymore. I’m here in the quiet hotel lobby, counting the tiles on the floor. No sign of Team Munn yet. And then suddenly, there she is, beautiful and alone. The freckles on her face accentuate her honey-colored brown eyes, and all that crap. And she’s wearing a short blue tennis skirt and these white wing tips and she looks confident and strong, which just makes what’s happening here so much sadder. I want to say, Olivia, Olivia Munn, are you still in there? But instead I blurt out like some mental patient:
How come you didn’t pick me up on your motorcycle? What? I had no idea that’s what you wanted. I don’t have a publicist. Really? Now, this is confusing. Well, you’re much taller than I thought you’d be. I’m only five-foot-four. Huh. Can we just sit by the pool in the sun?
I’m a little thrown by the proposition, as she doesn’t seem to want tea in the corner after all, but, yeah, sure, let’s find a cabana in the sun. So where did you grow up?
I grew up in a small farming town outside of Abadiania, in Brazil. Wait, no, she didn’t. She was actually born in Oklahoma and raised on a military base in Japan, and she moved around a lot. But sometimes you let the art flow over you, so I’m not about to interrupt. She goes on to say that she was born in a portal to Narnia, and her education was completely self-taught, and that her brother, who is Barack Obama, likes to draw and is really big into Call of Duty, so he’s playing that a lot.
All of a sudden, an hour has passed, or maybe just an instant. My head’s grown heavy and my sight’s grown dim, and I’m starting to feel as if I’m being led around, her index finger under my chin and my feet off the ground. Look at me, I’m floating! She makes constant eye contact, and her eyes light up when she’s passionate about a topic, like Narnia and her career path and the choices she’s made along the way and how to this day, the thing in her life that gives her the greatest anxiety is the sound of clanging silverware on those plastic trays in a school cafeteria. She moved around so much and was a stranger so often. All the kids were cliqued up. I would end up eating with the old librarians. When she furrows her brow, her freckles become a beautiful constellation, with her golden eyes as two suns. I faintly hear angels singing. They haven’t stolen her soul after all!
By now, I find that I am splayed across an ottoman with a fruit plate spilling onto the floor, Munn’s voice clear and strong. We are back to reality. I believe it was Galifianakis who was saying something like People who are attractive can’t be funny, because funny comes from pain. And it’s interesting, because in my life, I moved around a lot, and I had a really abusive stepfather. I have a great stepfather now, but my first stepfather was, for fourteen years, really horrible. And you move around a lot and you’re constantly the new kid, because you’re a military family. Oklahoma, Utah, Japan, different parts of Japan — and humor and being self-deprecating and sarcastic was the thing that could break ice in every situation. And so it’s a very antiquated idea to think that you can’t be pretty and smart and funny.
Yeah, suck it, Galifianakis. By this point, the combination of things that make up Olivia Munn has won me over — again. I manage one last question, something about the schizophrenic demands of the business and how or if she plans to reconcile the new Olivia Munn with the old, some shit like that. She gets quiet for a second.
It’s interesting, because different people will tell me, “Well, you’re not, you shouldn’t, you don’t have to do this anymore.” But I don’t think that there is anything wrong with it, and it actually bothers me, like when I was on The Daily Show and there was this Web site that wanted to criticize me, saying, How could she be on the cover of Maxim and be on this smart show? So I did the cover of Maxim again. Because, you know what? Don’t you want for your own daughters to grow up and be smart and funny and beautiful and embrace their sexuality?
All I find myself saying is Yes, good point. And thank you.